Recently I took my 5-year-old son, Brandon, to Cold Stone Creamery. His eyes were practically dancing as he picked his mix-ins: gummy bears, rainbow sprinkles, and marshmallows. And what else for the perfect combination? Blue Cotton Candy ice-cream, of course! As he enjoyed his treat I thought about how my family is a whole lot like his ice-cream. Lots of mix-ins—an expensive, sweet, sticky mess.
In fact, my family has quite a few colorful mix-ins:
We are multi-cultural: I am American and my husband is Jamaican.
We are multi-racial: I am white, my husband is black and we have black and bi-racial kids.
We are blended: My husband and I have two kids together, his son who I have adopted, and two adopted foster kids.
With all those mix-ins, my family is, in a word, complicated.
Here’s a sample, a taste, of how these mix-ins make life and parenting complicated:
- To get library cards for my kids, I had to explain to a prying librarian why Kayla and Amias’ birthdays are only six weeks apart (answer: Kayla is adopted). Thankfully, Kayla already knew that she was adopted before the nosy librarian “outed” her to the long line of patrons.
- I had to explain to my then 8-year-old step-son, Keimo, why he can’t call his eraser a “rubber” after his Jamaican father told him repeatedly that he must, “always work with a rubber” and “always keep a rubber” in his pocket.
- When my adopted foster daughter, Kayla, was asked by her well-meaning, but oblivious, teacher to create a timeline of her first few years of life (complete with 3 photographs from each year of her life), I had to explain that the earliest picture I have of Kayla is when she’s 2 and that picture is effectively her Child Protective Services mug shot. I don’t know when she took her first step or what her first word was.
- My son, Denzel, has special needs and since he is adopted we don’t have a complete family or medical history for him. He’s got more diagnoses than I can keep track of—and we still don’t seem to have gotten it right.
- After Kayla begged me to have her hair straightened so that the girls at school would stop picking on her, I had to deal with endless criticism from people, including my husband, who misunderstood and thought I was just “trying to make her look like a white girl.”
- My bi-racial son, Amias, proudly calls himself “brown,” but snooty kids on the playground always insist there is no such thing as a “brown” person.
- I watched in apprehension as my husband gave our young son Brandon chicken bones to teethe on, apparently a Jamaican practice, and he used his mouth as a makeshift nasal aspirator even though I had several perfectly good ones on hand.
One thing’s for sure, we aren’t your average vanilla family with 2.5 kids and a dog! Don’t get me wrong, having such a diverse family is a wonderful and beautiful thing. But, it is a complicated proposition. Even though our 21st century society for the most part embraces blended and mixed families it’s still oriented towards traditional family units. As more and more families are blended and mixed, we need new insights, strategies and real-world solutions. I’ve found that when “Parenting 101” clichés fit just about as well as my pre-pregnancy jeans, I have to get creative and through trial—and many errors—find real-world solutions that work for my family.
What are some of the challenges your modern family experiences and how have you handled them?
Chris Jordan
/ July 5, 2012My wife is part native (First Nations) and I am white – my grandparents moved here to Canada from Scotland. We have four of our own children, and throughout the seventeen years of our marriage, we have had several other children, teens and young adults that we have welcomed into our family, either for shorter or longer periods of time, as there was need. We are currently fostering a two and a half month old baby, and are loving life… thanks for sharing your story and struggles with us!
Keri Williams
/ July 5, 2012Chris,
It is great that your family has been able to help others in such a practical way! There are so many kids who need a safe, healthy, loving home, even for a short period of time while their parents get some help.
I also was a foster parent for several years, as a single person and also once I was married. As I’m sure you know from experience, too often the kids are sent back to parents that simply aren’t yet equipped or able to take care of them well. It is just a sad fact, but I have always believed that Christians can offer something unique to the foster children–Jesus. Even when I saw my foster children go back to homes that were less than ideal I knew that I had introduced them to Jesus. As Christians, we can give these kids something that they can hold onto for the rest of their childhoods and lives.
It is wonderful that your family has welcomed children and young people and I have no doubt that the time they are spending with your family is changing their eternal future.
The Ninja Mommy
/ July 5, 2012Your family sounds WONDERFUL! I am a South African, my Husband is Portuguese ( we are separated now though), my daughter is half South African, Half Portuguese and I have two Portuguese stepsons and a portuguese step daughter that grew up in Spain! My daughter and I live in South Africa and My husband lives in Portugal.
Keri Williams
/ July 5, 2012Wow. So, you not only have the cultural differences, but geographical challenges as well! Have you found ways to overcome the distance?
Jane Sadek
/ July 4, 2012I’m your average run-of-the-mill WASP from the Deep South. My husband is a Copt from Cairo. When we were dating, my mother reported to her sister that I was getting serious about someone from Africa. My favorite aunt, who seemed to have a fairly good head on her shoulders about everything else called me up to straighten me out.
“Is he black?” was her first question. I assured her that he was not and tried to explain that Egypt was really a part of the Arab world, even though it was on the African continent. That sent my aunt on a completely different track, “Have you seen the movie Not Without My Daughter?”
In time, she became an expert on Egypt and the Coptic Church. She loved to brag about some of my husbands relatives who held important positions during the Nasser regime. I heard her explaining to one of her friends how St, Mark founded the Coptic Church and how it was an early center for monasticism. But all that was later – much later.
Keri Williams
/ July 5, 2012Jane –Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad to hear that over time your family came to embrace your husband and his family–that seems to happen even in some of the most difficult situations if people are open and willing to get to know each other. I am glad it worked out for you and your husband!